Monday, December 27, 2010

Pieces of Me

No, not the Ashley Simpson song, but rather bits of truth about myself. As if you didn't get enough of that in 30 days of Truth. This post will be quite random and it may make you question your sanity as well as mine.

I love sour things, especially lemons and pickles. The more sour, the better. And I can't get enough of them.

I don't like things with cherries in them, especially cherry pie becaue the consistency of the cherries reminds me too much of blood clots.

I used to be a good speller. Not so much anymore. Internet and text messaging has changed that. So much for spell check!

I still miss my husband Mark terribly and I wish he was here. I understand that things are the way they are for a reason and that I can't change any of it.

I love my husband Shawn deeply and am glad he is part of my life.

Some of my former interns are closer to me than my own family members. I still secretly cheer for them and hope they do well.

I wish I could help every single person I come across. It breaks my heart when I can't.

I suck at sports. All sports. Even spectator sports.

I am at a point in my life where I should know what I'm doing or where I'm going but the truth is I've never been more lost or out of place.

I like people who are just on the verge of being really famous. I miss them when they get "too big" to still talk to thier fans they've met along the way.

I hate Christmas. Not the reason for the season, but the over commercialized, materialistic merchant madness mass marketed thing it has become.

I spelled at least 23 words incorrectly in this post and had to go back and fix them.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

30 days of Truth, the last bits

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
I’ve attempted suicide many times. Thank the Lord I wasn’t successful but even the failure leaves you feeling hopeless and depressed. The first time I was 12 and I took a bottle of aspirin. I tried to slit both wrists when I was 17. I took several handfuls of pills when I was 19. When I was 27 or 28 I took a bottle of Zanax with half a bottle of bourbon. I considered it but didn’t act on it when my husband died. The last time I tried again to slit my wrist. Every time I see the scar I reminds me that I have so much to live for. The reasons why are many and varied. Mental illness, depression, addiction, inability to cope, feeling unloved, unwanted and neglected, being abused, wanting your mind to stop turning, not wanting to hear the voices in your head anymore. But behind every single time was just not wanting to go throough the pain I was feeling anymore. I just couldn’t face it and there seemed to be no way out. Some people say that failed suicide attempts are just a cry for attention. Maybe so but I can promise you that mine never were. I mean, what do you really say to someone who has decided that their best alternative for life is to end it?

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
I have a wonderful family, a fantastic husband and a great life. Our bills are paid, we have money in the bank, we have a plan for the future and my retirement is 12 years away. I’d say we’ve got it pretty good.

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
I’d cry tears of joy. I want to be pregnant and have a child so badly that I can’t stand it. But, m husband had a vasectomy and I’m pushing hard on 39 so it won’t happen.

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
I hope to change my weight. I am unhealthy and I hate the way I look.

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Wow. This is hard for me. I’m the girl who doesn’t look in the mirror.
Dear Self,
You are a strong capable woman. You have a generous heart. You are good at what you do and you worked hard to get there. You are smart and funny. You are a great cook.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

30 Days of Truth, day 16 thru 20

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Having to deal with my husband’s 2 ex’s. I absolutely can not stand having to put up with their crap. There is no good reason for it at all.

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
I think it shouldn’t matter what I think, or what anyone else thinks. I don’t think that there should be a law or a rule that discriminates against any one particular group of people for any reason. I believe that opens the door to other means of discrimination. A law would not prevent me from being with the person I love. The few gay couples I know have got it right, though. They seem to value their relationships more than straight people do. They seem to know the cost of it better.

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
I hate both. There is no room in my world for a single view on anything, and I do not agree that there is only one right way to consider an issue. For all of the “hot button” issues like abortion, gay marriage, prayer in schools, etc. I say just let it be. Its no one elses business. You do what you want, I’ll do what I want and everyone is happy.

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Hmmm…this is a trick question for me. I am positive that my answers will shock, and even offend many of my friends who may read this.
I am the wife of an alcoholic. Out of respect for my husband, I don’t drink either. Seldom do I ever drink around him, and when I do I ask him if he minds. We try to avoid places where alcohol is being served. Alcohol has cost us thousands of dollars and burned bridges that can’t ever be repaired. It is a daily struggle and I can see the burden that it places on each of us to be in a sober household. Sometimes I wonder if it is more difficult to stay sober, or to drink. I see the balance beam he walks on, the watchful eyes he endures. It is a great amount of pressure to live up to everyone else’s expectations, especially when you would give your last drop of blood to have a beer.
My mother was a narcotic addict. It changed our family. I often wonder what my life might have been like if that had never happened.
I used to take massive quantities of pills, and after my 2nd husband died I drank, a lot, like it was my job. I like to drink. I like the way it makes me feel. I sleep good when I’ve had a couple of glasses of wine. There have been days when I have cried tears because I wanted to drink.
So, I can totally understand how a person would turn to drugs and alcohol to cope with things. It may be the only way, or the best way they have found to get through what ever it is.

30 Days of Truth, part 4

Day 21 →Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do? Take my sorry ass to the hospital and apologize.

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
I don’t have a good answer for this one. I know that if I had done one thing differently that I wouldn’t be where I am today.

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
I wish I had gotten my bachelors degree. But, just like the question above, if I had done anything differently I wouldn’t have the life I’ve got now.

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Patience by Guns and Roses
This song takes me back to a specific time and place and reminds me that things just take time and if you let them, they will work themselves out
Want To by Sugarland
The lyrics “never waste another day wondering what you threw away” made me rethink some things in my life and changed everything for the better.
November by the Avetts Brothers
The month of November 2009 was a very difficult one for me.
I’m Alive by Kenny Chesney and Dave Matthews
Because I might not be if it weren’t for you
500 miles by The Proclaimers
Its fun and upbeat and the words are true

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Because my job isn’t done, I guess. I ask myself this a lot. My daily prayers is “Lord, let me be a blessing to someone” I keep thinking that is why I’m still here.

Monday, August 23, 2010

30 days of Truth, part 3

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
My cooking. I love to cook. Its how I show people that I care about them.

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
My accomplishments. I have worked hard professionally and personally to achieve goals. I put myself through college and paid every single dime of my student loans myself. I have a wall full of awards and plaques. I have bought and paid for 2 brand new vehicles, several used vehicles, and a home by myself, with no one else’s help. I am working on my second college degree right now. As a woman working in a predominately male field, I think the things I have done go completely unnoticed and appreciated.

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.
Christina Aguilera is my go to girl, especially her “Stripped” album. The song “Fighter” really speaks to my soul. I used to listen to it on my way to work every morning just to psych myself up for the day. When I look back at terrible things that have happened to me, or people who have wronged me I can say “makes me work a little bit harder, it makes me that much stronger, makes me that much wiser” When I started dating my husband I liked to listen to “Aint No Other Man” and “Candy Man” from the Back to Basics album. I made sure those two songs were played at our wedding reception. When I need a little pick me up, that’s what I pop in the CD player in the car- LOUD.

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down.
I’ve never had a hero, ever, so I can’t really answer this one.

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Coffee. I had to give it up for a while and it was miserable. I’d rather be sick than go without coffee.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

30 Days of Truth, part 2

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
I hope I never have to bury another husband. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I would eat glass to never have to do it again. Making "those calls" is a horrible, gut wrenching thing to be forced to do.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
I do not mean for this so sound cliché, but my honest to goodness answer is the man I am married to. He re-entered my life at a very dark and difficult time and I can truthfully say that he saved my life and made me a better person. I will never be able to find a way to thank him for that as long as I live. We have been together for 2 years and have known each other since we were just kids but he still gives me the butterflies, I still like to watch him, and I hate being separated from him for any length of time.

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
There was someone who literally terrorized me to the point of having a nervous breakdown. I was on valium and zanax, and in mass quantities for nearly a year. I couldn’t sleep, my hair fell out and I was a nervous wreck. Because I still have ties to this person I will not name names or give any more details.

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
My best friend Chris. We lived together for a while. After I moved into my own house we sort of just had separate lives. I miss her but I don’t often get the chance to just hang out with her the way we used to.

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
I know a lot of toxic people, the clingers and hangers on. The people who literally drain the energy from you just by being around you. I wish I didn’t know them.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

An Impatient 30 days of truth...

I saw this on another blog and thought it was interesting. The idea is to answer honest questions about yourself over thirty days.But, being the impatient person that I am I'm going to do it 5 days at a time.

Here goes:

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
I hate my weight. It is an honest to goodness struggle. I refuse to even look in the mirror most days because of it. I hate it so much that I would spend $10,000 on liposuction if I had it. I wouldn't even care that its major surgery or the amount of pain it would cause.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
I love my eyes. I have always thought they were the prettiest color of blue. I love how they change depending on my mood or if I'm tired of if Iv'e had some wine.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
For being hateful to my husband right before he died. I was pissed that he wouldn't answer his cell phone and I left a nasty message. I found out later he was on the floor dead when I left the message. When I had to go through his account later I felt awful when I heard what I sounded like.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
I need to forgive a lot of people for a lot of things. I carry a grudge like no body's business. I'm sure that I would be a much happier person if I could find a way to just let go of things.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Gosh, this is a hard question for me to answer because I want to do so many things. My bucket list is WAY long. For now, I guess I have to say Id love to go to Italy. Ask me again tomorrow my answer will probably be different.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Well Butter My Biscuit!

I think in a former life I must have been a southern woman. I say y'all, I like moon pies, I LOVE LOVE LOVE grits, and it is a major life goal to make down right delicious, take back stuff you never stole, mile high biscuits. I've used many recipes, but most of the time I just use the hope and pray method of measuring by throwing stuff into a bowl, ading some Crisco and praying that it turns into soemthing edible. This recipe is my next adventure in biscuit making. It's from Mark Bittman's book. He has great recipes and cooking methods. Its a good bet that they will be topped with lots of butter and either strawberry jam or black raspberry preserves. I'll let ya know how it turns out.

Bittman's Yogurt or Buttermilk Biscuits
Makes about 10 biscuits

2 cups all-purpose or cake flour, plus more as needed (I have regular old AP flour, so thats what I'm gonna use)
1 scant teaspoon salt
3 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
2-5 tablespoons cold butter (mo butter, mo betta!)
3/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons yogurt or buttermilk

Heat the oven to 450 (yes, that HOT!) degrees. Mix the dry ingredients together in a food processor. Cut the butter into bits and pulse it in the food processor until thoroughly blended.

Using a large spoon, stir in the yogurt until mixture just forms a ball. Turn dough out onto a lightly floured surface and knead it 10 times; no more. If it is sticky, add a little flour, but very little; it should still stick slightly to your hands.

Press the dough into a 3/4 inch thick rectangle and cut into 2-inch rounds. (I'm gonna cut mine into squares- I'm a rebel like that!) Put on ungreased baking sheet. Gently reshape the leftover dough and cut again.(no need to do this if you cut squares) Bake for 7 - 9 minutes or until the biscuits are a beautiful golden brown. Serve within 15 minutes for them to be at their best.

Friday, May 21, 2010

I wish I may, I wish I might...

I copied this from I know, I'm so unoriginal. Sorry. I'm tired, its raining and I got up late. but, she has a great blog and some fabulous recipes. Go check it out.

I saw this Wish List idea on another blog the other day and it made me laugh out loud reading some of the responses. It's simple, list 5 things you need/want and explain why. They can be simple, extravagant, or much needed.

This is my wish list:

1. I wish for a new camera. I want to go from point and shoot to SLR with all th fancy lenses. I don't really have a reason, other than I want one.

2. I wish for photography lessons to learn how to use the camera and fancy lenses in with #1. I don't understand the whole F stop, aperature business, so I think lessons would greatly improve my ability to take fantastic pictures.

3. I wish for a real honest to goodness vacation with my husband. It's been an exceptionally trying first year of marriage for us, for many many reasons and we just need to get away.

4. I wish I could lose weight faster. Why? Because I'm a fat ass and I'm tired of wearing fat clothes all the time.

5. Finally, I wish it was the end of the day so I could go home and have a great weekend filled with doing nothing.

What is your wish list?

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

The long lost blogger is back

...and I'm doing a Random Dozen, from 2nd cup of Coffee's blog.

1. What is one really fast, know-by-heart "go-to" meal to fix in a pinch?
Spaghetti is my real "in a hurry" meal.

2. What is one item you won't leave home without. (Purse and license do not count.)
BlackBerry, aka CrackBerry.

3. Where is one place you never tire of visiting?
My in laws house. I love them.

4. Share one factoid of your family's history.
My mother was born in the upstairs of the bar where I had my wedding reception.

5. Complete this sentence: "Once upon a time I ...."
Thought I had it all figured out.

6. If you could win a one year's supply of anything, what would it be?
Something useful, like coffee or laundry detergent.

7. "One quirky thing you may not know about me is ...."
I like to drink Coke and Orange Jucie mixed together. It looks like liver bile in a glass but I love it.

8. You have one dollar in your pocket. What will you buy?
A bottle of Diet Coke.

9. "One thing that always makes me laugh is ...."
My step son mason's giggle.

10. What is one thing you could do today to help yourself reach a personal goal?
Get off my fat ass and exercise. This 50 lbs isn't going to take its self off.

11. What is one thing you could do today to bless someone else?
Pray for them.

12. What is one thing you're looking forward to soon?
Immediately, the weekend. A little farther down the line, my 20 yr class reunion in June.