Thursday, September 2, 2010

30 days of Truth, the last bits

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
I’ve attempted suicide many times. Thank the Lord I wasn’t successful but even the failure leaves you feeling hopeless and depressed. The first time I was 12 and I took a bottle of aspirin. I tried to slit both wrists when I was 17. I took several handfuls of pills when I was 19. When I was 27 or 28 I took a bottle of Zanax with half a bottle of bourbon. I considered it but didn’t act on it when my husband died. The last time I tried again to slit my wrist. Every time I see the scar I reminds me that I have so much to live for. The reasons why are many and varied. Mental illness, depression, addiction, inability to cope, feeling unloved, unwanted and neglected, being abused, wanting your mind to stop turning, not wanting to hear the voices in your head anymore. But behind every single time was just not wanting to go throough the pain I was feeling anymore. I just couldn’t face it and there seemed to be no way out. Some people say that failed suicide attempts are just a cry for attention. Maybe so but I can promise you that mine never were. I mean, what do you really say to someone who has decided that their best alternative for life is to end it?

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
I have a wonderful family, a fantastic husband and a great life. Our bills are paid, we have money in the bank, we have a plan for the future and my retirement is 12 years away. I’d say we’ve got it pretty good.

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
I’d cry tears of joy. I want to be pregnant and have a child so badly that I can’t stand it. But, m husband had a vasectomy and I’m pushing hard on 39 so it won’t happen.

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
I hope to change my weight. I am unhealthy and I hate the way I look.

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Wow. This is hard for me. I’m the girl who doesn’t look in the mirror.
Dear Self,
You are a strong capable woman. You have a generous heart. You are good at what you do and you worked hard to get there. You are smart and funny. You are a great cook.

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