It has been one year ago today that I lost my best friend, my biggest cheerleader and my husband. The best part of me went with you. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you or miss you or wish you were here. I tried to save you, I truly did. I would have given anything at that moment for you to open your eyes and draw another breath.
If I had only known that morning what was to come, I would have done a million and one things differently. But, how were either of us to know that a bowl of oatmeal would be your last meal, or that you singing to the dogs would be the last thing I would remember, or that “Bye mommy, see you later, love you” would be the last thing you would say to me?
Planning your funeral was the most bizarre and painful thing I have ever had to do. How was I supposed to know what kind of flowers to choose, or what to have the minister say? How was I supposed to pick out the clothes you would wear for the very last time? I remember saying to Mitchell, “What can I bear to part with?” As I got ready to go to the funeral I looked in the mirror and thought, “This is like getting ready for a last date, instead of a first date.”
I clearly remember thinking to myself, “How and I ever going to survive this year?” Well, this has truly been the year I wasn’t myself. I wonder if you would even recognize the person I’ve become. There have been times when I was stronger than I ever thought I could be and there were times that I felt so broken and shattered that I couldn’t even function. I wonder if you would be proud of me for surviving or if you would be disappointed in the choices I’ve made.
It is a great comfort to me to look at your ashes. Troy told me that if the time ever comes when I’m ready, that he knows the exact spot to spread them. He said you always called that place on the Licking River “magical”. I hope you forgive me if that time never comes.
I don’t know how much more I can say. Just please know this: You are missed deeply by me, your pets, your family, and your friends. We were all touched by your presence and we are all affected by your absence. Thank you for being such a wonderful influence.
I hope that you are having lots of good blue days filled with big sacks and limits.
I don't ever want to feel like I did that day.
Take me to the place I love, take me all the way